What on earth is Darren's coat? It looks like he's been rummaging through Shirley Bassey's bins.

And I wish Jake would get over himself. He's so unbelievably pathetic it's ridiculous. "You've got your own life Nancy, blah blah, and I'm wrongly suspecting you of having an affair with zero proof, blah." Maybe if you got a job then you'd have one of those things called a life too.

This is going to be a short one. After the '30s intro to todays Hollyoaks I feel I need a good 25 minutes to throw up my entire insides.

Euurrggghhh Sarah's hair is so gash. Pigtails??? What are you, 12!? Jesus. They look like deformed tree branches.

And that bloody what's his names...Danny? AKA the Grinch looks like a mutant psychopath. Especially with that santa hat on! "It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right, It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were to tight..."

Finally, the pathetic little whiner that is...oh I've just had a memory lapse and can't remember her name. The one who's being "harassed" at work anyway. You just wouldn't put up with it would you? And would you really care about keeping a kak job like that for all the trouble it's worth? It's just absolutely ridiculous.

Oh Hollyoaks, you're maddening me right now.

Oh great, Hannah is back, she's such a shit actor. Annarexic my arse. Have time to get your hair done and get a tan in hospital did you?

What did I tell you? Jackie and Tony back together!? What a surprise. And Mercedes...preggers? Oh I think she might be...

Also, Gilly and Rhys's sister? He's munting.

Oh my word, that posh Summer girl has about as much charisma as a dead fish when she sings. Even in OB's imagination. Talking of OB, he came out with a cracker today: The earl of Gaysville? Hahaha.
And Warren? Just don't smile, you look like a brick wall with a broken window.

Ooooh, got a paedophile in Chester have we? Eh Saaam? If that is your REAL name! And Ste leaving an unconscious Louise in a burning building!? Hollyoaks is finally getting exciting again. I feel a late night episode coming on...

So, it's been a while since our last post because of Uni starting up again (outside Uni we basically have no lives...I have no life). Anyway, this one's going to be a bit of a major catch up.

First of all, how many bloody times are Tony and Jackie going to split up? Is this even the end? Probably not. I guess if she gets back on that pole he'll forgive her for making him choose between her and 'that kid'. And was there something in her November contract that said 'you must walk around in your underwear for at least three episodes a week'? Ridiculous. I don't know about you, but I'm not fussed about seeing her skinny, Skeletor body prancing around.

And I know we're quite late on the mark here, but FOZ IS IN NEIGHBOURS! And his acting is just as pants in that. Is he Australian? Is he Northern? Nope, he's just bloody wood-EN.

Tina's got a job as well. Hahahaha some student-receptionist role play eh? It's a new one. Maybe Rhys can take some tips off that sleazy boss man. Speaking of Rhys...how long is it going to be until he makes a move on his new 'sister'? The countdown begins...

And where's Hannah? She ever coming back? She's probably scared away by Rhys' sheer outrage, taken out on the dru..uh cymbal. Cymbal? My word, bash the hell out of the kit man. Or is it because really you can't actually play drums?

Ste and Amy are actually making me physically sick. 'When have I ever let you down?' Oh I don't know....maybe when you left me to die in a crashed out car!? Jeez. How does everyone forgive everyone so easily in Chester? Must be a Northern thing....haha I'm kidding, of course.

Oh Jesus Mercedes. I know you're the village bike and all that, but seriously? Keep it in your knickers love!

Ahahahahaha oh my GOD. Ripped from Marks & Sparks. 'A romp with devastating consequences? This is not just cheating, this is cheating with your sister's other half.' Ba-da-bow-ba-bowww.

Dom and Tina are the gimpiest couple to ever have graced the Hollyoaks screen. And Jon-Paul, nice going on picking up the fittie!