That faux break-up between Jon-Paul and Elliot is possibly the best scene to play out in Hollyoaks in a long time! Absolutely loved it! "You are the gay tart of hollyoaks." hahaha. Brilliant.

And what's this Lauren? Got a conscience? Got a crush?

Oh blimey Darren. He is the singular most moronic character in Hollyoaks.

Woah, hold the Hollyoaks front page. Who on earth is that gross man with nipples large enough to hang gofers on? His plastic hair that was clearly the thing that repelled Charlie's buggy into retreat. When Hollyoaks decided to to go down the jokey route and make everyone "hot", was there a clause in the contract that enforced an entire male cast of munters? Honestly.

And we're feeling a little sorry for Nile this episode. Sure, he's a psychopath with small devious eyes, but devious-eyed psychopaths have feelings too.

As I was pondering the reason why the MENTAL HOSPITAL that Jake is in seem to let absolutely anyone in to visit, I realised that Justin the Lad has slept with both of Jake's wives hahaha. AND they were sisters. Get in there. Now, I don't condone adultery, but come on, that's pretty good going.

Nooooo Justin, don't pawn off Charlie for Louise.

Is there something wrong with Father Keiran? Because he looks like a stroke victim, head constantly cocked to one side and his mouth doing this lopsided thing. It's weird. We're not convinced by him at all.

And Newt and Lauren kissing was enough to put the entire nation off their dinner...possibly for a lifetime.

And finally, please, please, please can someone push Jake off a cliff? We can't take it anymore, he's such a slimy, grossard, with a greasy face and dirty stubble.

It never ceases to amaze me how little clothes Sarah wears. No matter the weather, she's showing skin. I swear I could see cheeks today and I'm not talking about the ones below her razor jawline.

And the drugs. The drugs! Oh I hope we're reverting back to the old days. I'm sure you all remember Lucy Benson and that guy that got her hooked. And Sasha saying she's got nowhere to go. Errrr....how about home?? Moron. It's not as if she got kicked out, she left. Get it together girl.

Did anyone notice how on Sarah's Ripple poster it said 'poo' while she was talking to Summer? Hahahaha. ahem. Immature? Me?

Right, that's it, who would like to plot to push Newt and Lauren off a cliff with me? All of you? Yeah thought as much. I've bloody had it up to here with them, they really are utter morons.

Also, in case you didn't know, Summer is actually singing for Andrew Lloyd Webber in real life. Imagine that eh?

Oh my God! Charlie has leukemia. Now, don't think me mean in finding this amazing, but if Jake has to donate bone marrow then they'll find out Charlie's not his! Oh please, please, please let that happen.

Also, how hilarious does Tom look as a goth hahahaha.




EDIT: Yessssssssssssssssss! hahahaha. In your face Jake you slimy bastard.

Hozza, Hozza on the wall, here's the story line I want most of all:

Nancy leaves Jake and wants to take the baby,
Jake files for cutody but he's not the real Dad,
Justin comes in and his blood will match Charlie's,
And Jake will die some how, maybe, just maybe.

Andrew Lloyd Webber on Hozza!? Well...ok... Let us prepare for Hollyoaks' ultimate cheese-fest

I've missed a bit of Hollyoaks recently so I'm catching up now in the stupid hours, but oh. my. word. Zoe fancying Mike Barnes?? Jesus. And he cried in front of her. Surely she should find that the biggest turn off ever? Urgh.

Oooh and Ste surrenders to his darrrk side. *Shacahhh, fhhh, shacahhh...





*That's supposed to be Darth Vader...

Jake is such a jerk it's ridiculous. Not only does his miserable face piss me right off, but he's constantly acting like an attention-seeking kid. What exactly does he hope to gain by falsely reporting Nancy? Does he not remember that his ex-wife/fianace's sister got killed in prison? What a moron. However, there is one good thing that's come of this, and that's the fact that we get to see Newt called Barry! Hahaha amazing. Barry. Barry, Barry, Barry.

How ridiculous did Sasha look with her afro? And how huge are her breasts!? I thought she was supposed to be 14 or something? Oh Hollyoaks.