Now, I haven't seen Hollyoaks for a week, so I've no idea what's going on. The last time I saw it, Rhys and Gilly were in the paedo's house...what happened with that eh? And why is Jack in hospital? However, a triple helping of Hozza? Yes please. But please, please Gilly, shut the hell up. You're not doing the Charlatans(?) justice.

Darren is seriously such a bastard, but I'd be happy to see the back of that "goth" kid. So, this time only, I'm all for Darren's lying, smarmy, worminess.

What on earth is Darren's coat? It looks like he's been rummaging through Shirley Bassey's bins.

And I wish Jake would get over himself. He's so unbelievably pathetic it's ridiculous. "You've got your own life Nancy, blah blah, and I'm wrongly suspecting you of having an affair with zero proof, blah." Maybe if you got a job then you'd have one of those things called a life too.

This is going to be a short one. After the '30s intro to todays Hollyoaks I feel I need a good 25 minutes to throw up my entire insides.

Euurrggghhh Sarah's hair is so gash. Pigtails??? What are you, 12!? Jesus. They look like deformed tree branches.

And that bloody what's his names...Danny? AKA the Grinch looks like a mutant psychopath. Especially with that santa hat on! "It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right, It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were to tight..."

Finally, the pathetic little whiner that is...oh I've just had a memory lapse and can't remember her name. The one who's being "harassed" at work anyway. You just wouldn't put up with it would you? And would you really care about keeping a kak job like that for all the trouble it's worth? It's just absolutely ridiculous.

Oh Hollyoaks, you're maddening me right now.

Oh great, Hannah is back, she's such a shit actor. Annarexic my arse. Have time to get your hair done and get a tan in hospital did you?

What did I tell you? Jackie and Tony back together!? What a surprise. And Mercedes...preggers? Oh I think she might be...

Also, Gilly and Rhys's sister? He's munting.

Oh my word, that posh Summer girl has about as much charisma as a dead fish when she sings. Even in OB's imagination. Talking of OB, he came out with a cracker today: The earl of Gaysville? Hahaha.
And Warren? Just don't smile, you look like a brick wall with a broken window.

Ooooh, got a paedophile in Chester have we? Eh Saaam? If that is your REAL name! And Ste leaving an unconscious Louise in a burning building!? Hollyoaks is finally getting exciting again. I feel a late night episode coming on...

So, it's been a while since our last post because of Uni starting up again (outside Uni we basically have no lives...I have no life). Anyway, this one's going to be a bit of a major catch up.

First of all, how many bloody times are Tony and Jackie going to split up? Is this even the end? Probably not. I guess if she gets back on that pole he'll forgive her for making him choose between her and 'that kid'. And was there something in her November contract that said 'you must walk around in your underwear for at least three episodes a week'? Ridiculous. I don't know about you, but I'm not fussed about seeing her skinny, Skeletor body prancing around.

And I know we're quite late on the mark here, but FOZ IS IN NEIGHBOURS! And his acting is just as pants in that. Is he Australian? Is he Northern? Nope, he's just bloody wood-EN.

Tina's got a job as well. Hahahaha some student-receptionist role play eh? It's a new one. Maybe Rhys can take some tips off that sleazy boss man. Speaking of Rhys...how long is it going to be until he makes a move on his new 'sister'? The countdown begins...

And where's Hannah? She ever coming back? She's probably scared away by Rhys' sheer outrage, taken out on the dru..uh cymbal. Cymbal? My word, bash the hell out of the kit man. Or is it because really you can't actually play drums?

Ste and Amy are actually making me physically sick. 'When have I ever let you down?' Oh I don't know....maybe when you left me to die in a crashed out car!? Jeez. How does everyone forgive everyone so easily in Chester? Must be a Northern thing....haha I'm kidding, of course.

Oh Jesus Mercedes. I know you're the village bike and all that, but seriously? Keep it in your knickers love!

Ahahahahaha oh my GOD. Ripped from Marks & Sparks. 'A romp with devastating consequences? This is not just cheating, this is cheating with your sister's other half.' Ba-da-bow-ba-bowww.

Dom and Tina are the gimpiest couple to ever have graced the Hollyoaks screen. And Jon-Paul, nice going on picking up the fittie!

Surely Craig and Jon Paul can't be leaving? Actually going and leaving us in a lack of gayity!? What will the world come to? Oh alas!

But hey, maybe Rhys will get in on some Sarah action, I mean afterall, "You managed to forgive your Mum!" Haha nice try Rhys. Copping off with your girlfriend's Mum isn't quite a forgivable offence is it? Moron

Frankie: "Craig? Come out wherever you are." Ahahahaha, about time. To be honest Sarah, in that hideous lime-green dress and disgusting gold wedges, you deserved it.

Oh eye eye, the Valentines have got some new additions. Funny how Leo can have sex with two different women and have almost identical children isn't it? And what's this? One's got a bowler hat and reads books on taxidermy? Well! She must be a goth then! Well done Hollyoaks, I'm sure she'll be wondering around plain as Nancy soon enough.

Meanwhile, over at The Dog Craig's got a sour puss on him. Waych out, Jon Paul is on his way! Ready everyone? 1,2,3,4....GASP

Been on holiday have we Louise? Looking a bit panda-eye in court! And Clare...been working out? She actually looks a bit thinner, maybe she had a baby. Anyone?

Oooh old Craigy's gonna be called up on his gay tendencies soon....Spike's already clocked on.

And you may have noticed Craig and Russ on Britain's Next Top Model last night. One of the girls getting all worked up on how Craig is her perfect man because he made her laugh! Christ, I guess Robin Williams is in with a chance as well then eh?

Dun dun DAAAAH! Clare Cunningham is back, oooh...

"What do you think I am? A cammel?"

Never fear, Craig is here!

That's right our lovely readers, we have compiled some of Craig Dean's best faces to make up for the lacking in our introductory post. Enjoy!

Early Birds

I'm not going to be here come 6:30pm tomorrow so I'm watching the E4 ep of Hozza. I'm sorry, but I just couldn't keep myself from mentioning the God awful hair that Louise is sporting, and that flowery, flowing mess of a top/dress she's wearing 'aint all that'.

Ah, enjoying a bit of Peter Kay are we Jake and Nancy? Garlic bread anyone?

Dirty Skank Hoes (no, we don't mean Louise...)

Hollyoaks intros are the best things ever, nicely setting us up for the episode that awaits. The radio plays "hannarexic". Classic. haha.
Gilly threatens to infiltrate their non-eating world with his greasy hair and fries, SHOCK HORROR! And seriously, what is going on with Hannah's face? Is that makeup supposed to make her look gaunt? Because she just looks dirrrty. And now her and this fake model girl (as IF she's a model) are ganging up on people together looking like the girls from the Craft.

Nancy and Jake are the worst wallpaperers EVER! Nancy seems to be hellbent on punking up the flat with a nice purple, yet on the close ups one can see that she's just slapped on some A3 paper and it's coming off the wall. I thought Jake was a DIY man? (I think he's just a gardener)

Now, Sasha - is she Hollyoaks' answer to Gandhi? She is wiiiiiise. Her theories on racing and problem pages are inspirational. Amen to that Hutchinson!

Hello HozzaOaks

Instead of keeping our Hozza-related angst to ourselves we decided to unleash our fury on the world so that you too can share in our delight and/or disgust at the joy of HozzaOaks*

Let us introduce our rating system.

We shall assign each blog a number of stars, from one to five, to represent our expressions whilst watching an episode of Hozza.

Five stars means that when we sit down on our sofas at 6.30pm, we look like this:








An average episode of Hozza, at three stars:


Of course, sometimes my dear Hozza fans, it can let us down. Sometimes no tears are shed, no shags are had and no one dies. So, with a rating of one star we can't help but feel something like this (we tried to find Craig Dean's classic anger face but there was no google joy):











* roughly translated means Hollyoaks, the most beautious Chester-based soap opera of our time, gracing Channel 4's scheduling since 1995.