Now, I haven't seen Hollyoaks for a week, so I've no idea what's going on. The last time I saw it, Rhys and Gilly were in the paedo's house...what happened with that eh? And why is Jack in hospital? However, a triple helping of Hozza? Yes please. But please, please Gilly, shut the hell up. You're not doing the Charlatans(?) justice.

Darren is seriously such a bastard, but I'd be happy to see the back of that "goth" kid. So, this time only, I'm all for Darren's lying, smarmy, worminess.

What on earth is Darren's coat? It looks like he's been rummaging through Shirley Bassey's bins.

And I wish Jake would get over himself. He's so unbelievably pathetic it's ridiculous. "You've got your own life Nancy, blah blah, and I'm wrongly suspecting you of having an affair with zero proof, blah." Maybe if you got a job then you'd have one of those things called a life too.

This is going to be a short one. After the '30s intro to todays Hollyoaks I feel I need a good 25 minutes to throw up my entire insides.

Euurrggghhh Sarah's hair is so gash. Pigtails??? What are you, 12!? Jesus. They look like deformed tree branches.

And that bloody what's his names...Danny? AKA the Grinch looks like a mutant psychopath. Especially with that santa hat on! "It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right, It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were to tight..."

Finally, the pathetic little whiner that is...oh I've just had a memory lapse and can't remember her name. The one who's being "harassed" at work anyway. You just wouldn't put up with it would you? And would you really care about keeping a kak job like that for all the trouble it's worth? It's just absolutely ridiculous.

Oh Hollyoaks, you're maddening me right now.